Guys,personally this journal needs no corrections, or any explanations of any kind. I'm typing this knowing that the person I'm hopelessly in love with will never see the same feelings. I'm typing this knowing that there are some of you who say, "There's somebody out there for us all." right? That isn't wrong... There is somebody for me. Problem: I'm not the somebody for her! Honestly, I think that this is what's torturing me. This situation is what's ripping my soul apart and draining my blood into a nice wine glass for her to sip on!

For about a month now, I've been convinced that I'm going to die because of sheer depression; There isn't one thing that I wouldn't do for her. Not one damn thing! I'd give up everything I had if it made her understand!

Last night she was the only subject in my dreams. She and I were the only two people there.The dream was rather weak for what dreams usually are.

Mainly it was on a stage. A theatre stage. See, Natalie, that's her name, is an actress, and a damn good one at that. Once I'd noticed on her bucket list that she'd wanted to star in a play before she died. I guess that this was the dream's frame.

In the simplest way of saying it, i screwed up. She was in a rehearsal scene wherein she stood alone on stage, monologuing. Her acting was beautiful, as it's always been in theatre class. She was flawless... and may I add more beautiful than I'd ever seen her. That is mostly due to her smile. The monologue was about her character, whose name I can't recall, babbling on about a boy she met that day, and how she loved him. By mid-scene I'd began to notice many faceless bodies were in all the seats around me, watching. My guess is that she noticed too.

At that moment I saw her eyes light up. She was getting too proud. Her feet lost coordenatiion and she started tripping. I went to off-stage left to see if there was anything I could do, but ended up tripping, pushing a prop down on top of her... Thank god it was foam. All the faceless apperitions in the audience were howling with laughter. She began sobbing, and when I came to her aid it got steadiy worse.

She looked at me, with what looked like pure rage filled eyes, and screamed "You did this to me! You ruined my life! My acting career is dead now and nobody's going to come see my show!"

I woke up then. This was worse for me than any nightmare I've ever had. I sat there in my camper, quietly weeping for the rest of the night. Four hours...

I don't know what to do guys. I know it was a dream but it seemed so real! I could actually FEEL her! This is so far my second dream involving Natalie. It's the only bad one. Any advice about how I can woo her would be strongly welcome. I don't know how much more of these dreams, good or bad, I can stand. When I wake from the bad, I have trouble registering that it's a dream, and from the good, I know it all too well...

I'm begging you guys for help.